The Onion

 
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After discovering his mother had failed to pay his phone bill from last month, local resident Cormac Flannigan, 29, reminded her Tuesday to "try to be more careful" and "make a point of remembering to do that going forward," family sources confirmed.
 
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Representatives of the Osama bin Laden Foundation announced Tuesday the winners of the 2013 Mohamed Atta Fellowship, an annually awarded scholarship and stipend that is bestowed on the 20 "most exceptionally talented young terrorists" from around the world.
 
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The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.
 
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Citing various family emergencies, last-minute weddings, and impromptu HomeTown gatherings, the roommate of Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick has had an excuse to go home every weekend this academic year, according to campus reports.
 

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