World-renowned Canadian person, prolific marijuana-doer, and winner of the 2015 MTV Movie Award for “Best Kiss” Seth Q. Rogen has entered into a lifetime deal to transfer full ownership of his personal autonomy to
Netflix, Inc.
“I have known Seth for many years” said senior Netflix Development Executive Jareth Chumley. “After a wrap party in late 2017, Seth approached me and said something like ‘Jesus Fucking Christ Jarbear, I would sell my soul for a fuckin enchilada right now.’ And so basically that was how the idea was born. In the end we settled on a price a little higher than a standard Chili’s To-Go entree, but I’ll be damned, not by that much.”
“As a general rule, I don’t really ‘read’ anything before I sign it,” replied Rogen when asked about the deal, spilling some beer on his own head as he does the finger-symbol equivalent of air quotes. “That’s what Danny is for, he handles that for me, mostly,” gesturing toward an elderly man in a poncho sleeping on the couch behind him. “Hey Danny!” he shouts, unable to wake his senior contract advisor. “I really hope he didn’t fuck this up. He’s the reason that Zach and Miri Make a Porno exists.”
Seth Rogen’s Hilarity for Charity is the first project where Netflix was able to successfully extract comedy directly from the actor’s mind. It will stream April 6. While the remaining projects Rogen will be participating in have not yet been finalized, Netflix is considering a live-action Shrek remake, starring Rogen as both the titular character, as well as that character’s love interest Fiona. There will also be other tasks considered, including some off-camera roles such as “executive foot massager” and “Quentin’s back waxer”. “The world really is our oyster here,” said Netflix Chief Operations Officer Karen Shartwell. “There really isn’t anything on earth that we can’t make him do.”
