Airplane jokes


After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ---------------------------------------- (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. ---------------------------------------- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. ------------------------------------------ P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. ---------------------------------------- P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. ---------------------------------------- P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. ---------------------------------------- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. ---------------------------------------- P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. ---------------------------------------- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. ---------------------------------------- P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. ---------------------------------------- P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. ---------------------------------------- P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. ---------------------------------------- P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious. ---------------------------------------- P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. ---------------------------------------- P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. ---------------------------------------- P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget